How to Love Like Jesus

If you have been turned off by churches in the past or ever had frustrations with the way churches do things, or have determined you’ll never step foot in a church, this is a good one for you. Pretty much everyone has been turned off by something about a church they’ve attended and unfortunately, some people have resolved never to go back. If that is you, I hope you’ll let the words in this article resonate in that the churches failing us in this way is a huge problem and there are believers like us out there seeking to get it right. Let’s look at one of the biggest things that runs people off from churches…really from ever even stepping foot into a church.

There are so many types of Christian churches out there. They all have different beliefs and rituals. They all have their own way of doing worship. Many of us have some crazy, and sometimes really sad, stories about the churches where we grew up. There is one thing that seems to be a huge frustration for believers and those who would consider attending church but have been turned off…and that is judging and hypocrisy. Christian churches are known as the most judgmental and therefore hypocritical entities on the entire planet. And it’s all because they got one simple concept wrong… It’s not their place to judge, it is God’s. Our job is to discern the path that’s best for us, not to judge the people on our path. Christians seem to get confused between judging and discerning. I am so so sad and sorry the churches got this wrong because it has hurt so many people. It has prevented so many people from finding the true Bible and experiencing the true love of God.

Unfortunately, many of the churches are straying from the simplicity of following the Bible. It should be really simple…just teach what is in the Bible, nothing more and nothing less. We strive to do just that, simply focus on the Bible without adding or subtracting anything. In doing so, we will discover where many churches misunderstood the important difference between discerning and judging, leading them down a path to judging and hypocrisy that pushes people away. As believers and churches, any time we do something that strays from the Bible, it never goes well…and judging when it is not our place is a perfect example.

If you are just getting started in your journey of following God, you’ll find this to be a safe place with no judgement. We just want to invite you to learn at you own pace and ask questions if you have them. If you are not sure about the Bible yet, that’s totally okay. The cool thing is… there’s really nothing to lose here because applying these simple principles in your life will only help you live a better, less frustrating, more peaceful and joyful life.

Today we’ll discuss:

Examples of Why Judging Is A Terrible Idea – Our Motivation To Be Better
The Difference Between Discerning and Judging
Who Should Be Judging?
We Are Clearly Instructed: Do Not Judge
We Are Called To Discern Instead of Judging
Consequences of Judging When We Should Be Discerning
What Individuals and Churches Should Do Instead of Judging
What it looks like to Discern Instead of Judging
How we can more positively impact people by not judging
6 Simple Steps For Handling Interactions Without Judging
Examples Of How To Avoid Judging In Everyday Life
How to handle political disagreements with family

Examples of Why Judging Is A Terrible Idea – Our Motivation To Be Better

When I was young, I attended a Baptist church that would judge people outside jogging, saying they should be in church instead of out there jogging. They went further to say the jogger’s salvation was at risk because of this decision. What if the jogger just goes to church at a different time? What if being out in nature is how they worship? How ludicrous of the church to make that judgment!

How about this one… a church had a gameshow skit at the beginning of their service. This skit was just a giant guilt trip trying to guilt you into giving more to the church, saying if it is not a certain amount then it’s not good enough. Who are they to judge how much people are giving to the church, not to mention how sad it is that they’re so desperate for money! No wonder they are desperate for money when they run everyone off that would contribute by making them feel judged! Going a step further, a discerning mind would be concerned when it comes to their desperation for money, recognizing the cause may be the church making poor financial decisions. That will cause even more people to flee.

I have experienced more than a couple churches telling attendees that if you’re not speaking tongues then you’re not as close to God as you could be. And some church leaders even speak tongues while leading church without interpretation. Let’s not even go into the possible misinterpretation of the Bible about tongues being the gift of speaking different languages to share the Bible instead of babbling like a “barbarian” as the Bible puts it, in front of an entire confused church of believers (see 1 Corinthians 14). Let’s just focus on the judgement there…you’re not as holy or as good of a Christian if you don’t speak tongues. What?! The Bible says speaking in different tongues is one of many spiritual gifts and is most often talking about the gift of speaking other languages to share the Bible. It never says that you have to speak tongues to be a good believer, whether it be other languages to share the Bible or an unknown tongue under control of the Holy Spirit, glossolia. As a result, some church leaders are inappropriately using whether believers can do one spiritual gift listed in the Bible to judge how close you are to God, which is something only you and God could possibly know. In addition, if the holy spirit intercedes for you in an unknown tongue, that is supposed to be strictly between you and God and not in front of other people, clearly stated in 1 Corinthians 14:2.

1 Corinthians 14:2 – For he who speaks in a tongue does not speak to men but to God, for no one understands him; however, in the spirit he speaks mysteries.

1 Corinthians 14:11 (KJV) – Therefore if I know not the meaning of the voice, I shall be unto him that speaketh a barbarian, and he that speaketh shall be a barbarian unto me.

1 Corinthians 14:27-28 – 27 If anyone speaks in a tongue, let there be two or at the most three, each in turn, and let one interpret. 28 But if there is no interpreter, let him keep silent in church, and let him speak to himself and to God.

Similarly, another non-denominational church told attendees that if they don’t stand up, raise their hands, and get moving during worship then they are spiritually dead. Again, not a church leader’s place to judge how spiritually alive someone is. What if they have a knee injury and it hurts to stand up, so they sit down so they can focus on worshiping without the distraction of pain? What if their style of worship doesn’t involve dancing around with their arms in the air? In general, the whole “I’m holier than you” ego trip does not go over well at all…of course this judgmental behavior will run people off. Come on, churches, we have to do better than this!!!

Sadly, people with religious backgrounds tend to carry more guilt than anyone else. Each church has its problems, but we need to talk about it to be able to hold ourselves accountable as believers to improve. In addition to following the rules and moral code of the Bible, some churches have additional requirements members must meet, many times ritualistic expectations. There is actually a rating of your standing with the church based on these expectations. It’s hard not to feel guilty when a church places all these additional expectations on you that they say could affect your salvation, which is NOT Biblical. According to the Bible, there’s only one requirement to receive salvation: believe in Jesus and follow Him. He’s the only way to the Father (John 14:6). Churches have added requirements and rituals that are not in the Bible, and it is sad because the result is to either lead people astray or push them away.

The Difference Between Discerning and Judging

Definitions according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary

To Judge: to form an opinion about through careful weighing of evidence and testing of premises. To form an estimate or evaluation of. Especially: to form a negative opinion about. To hold as an opinion. To determine or pronounce after inquiry and deliberation.

Relevant definition from Cambridge English dictionary: to express a bad opinion of someone’s behavior, often because you think you are better than them.

To summarize in terms relevant to our purpose, if you are judging, you are evaluating information and forming an official opinion about someone as to whether they meet a set of expectations, whether it be laws or Biblical principles. There is an inferred authority to judge based on being morally or intellectually superior to those being judged. A judge in the judicial system is expected to have superior knowledge of the law to inform his/her judgements. However, Christian’s judging whether other people are worthy is where things go wrong, mainly because of the thinking they are holier or better than others part.

To Discern: To detect with the eyes. To detect with senses other than vision. to recognize or identify as separate and distinct : discriminate, as in discern right from wrong. To come to know or recognize mentally, as in to discern someone’s motives.

To summarize in terms relevant to our purpose, if you are discerning, you are assessing how a situation could affect you and your family and deciding how you should proceed accordingly. This does not come from a place of thinking you are better than others, but more a humble place of minding your own business. Instead of focusing on determining how a person should be categorized based on whether they are meeting a set of expectations like laws or Biblical principles with insufficient information to do so, you are focusing more on the direction of yourself and your family. This can also apply to figuring out the path and direction of a church family in a way such that the church family doesn’t think it is better than people outside the church family.

It is a subtle difference, but it has a huge impact on your life and the lives of those around you. In no way does this mean you should compromise on what is in the Bible…instead it just means you’re going to share the truth in the Bible when people choose to come listen or ask questions instead of forcing it on them.

Who Should Be Judging?

Let’s examine what the Bible says about who should be judging:

John 5:19-24 – It is God’s job to judge and He has delegated that task to His son Jesus whom He sent

19 Then Jesus answered and said to them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, but what He sees the Father do; for whatever He does, the Son also does in like manner. 20 For the Father loves the Son, and shows Him all things that He Himself does; and He will show Him greater works than these, that you may marvel. 21 For as the Father raises the dead and gives life to them, even so the Son gives life to whom He will. 22 For the Father judges no one, but has committed all judgment to the Son, 23 that all should honor the Son just as they honor the Father. He who does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent Him.
24 “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgment, but has passed from death into life.

Romans 2:1-10 – Those who attempt to judge when it’s not their place are actually condemning themselves in doing so.

1 Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. 2 But we know that the judgment of God is according to truth against those who practice such things. 3 And do you think this, O man, you who judge those practicing such things, and doing the same, that you will escape the judgment of God? 4 Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance? 5 But in accordance with your hardness and your impenitent heart you are treasuring (storing) up for yourself wrath in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God, 6 who “will render to each one according to his deeds”: 7 eternal life to those who by patient continuance in doing good seek for glory, honor, and immortality; 8 but to those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness—indignation and wrath, 9 tribulation and anguish, on every soul of man who does evil, of the Jew first and also of the Greek (Gentile); 10 but glory, honor, and peace to everyone who works what is good, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.

Acts 10:42-43 – It is God’s job to judge and he has appointed Jesus to be judge of people.

42 And He commanded us to preach to the people, and to testify that it is He who was ordained by God to be Judge of the living and the dead. 43 To Him all the prophets witness that, through His name, whoever believes in Him will receive remission (forgiveness) of sins.”

We Are Clearly Instructed: Do Not Judge

The verses in Romans chapter 2 above made it clear that if we judge when it is not our place, we become hypocrites and set ourselves up for condemnation. Here is an additional very clear instruction and warning in the Bible directly from Jesus himself.

Matthew 7:1-5 – 1 “Judge (condemn) not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

No explanation needed on that one. Then Jesus gives further instruction to be wise about when, where, and to home you share God’s word and God’s truth. In other words, don’t be that awkward person screaming “REPENT” in the middle of a violent riot or you could get hurt. And most certainly don’t try and judge them on whether they meet the expectations of the Bible…they never signed up to do so.

Matthew 7:6 – “Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces.

God gives us clear instruction in the Bible that we should not judge those who are outside the church, or those who are not believers. We are to hold those fellow believers in our church accountable to follow God and the Bible, but that it is God’s place to judge non-believers, not our place. Our job is to keep our individual path away from wicked people and to let God do the judging.

1 corinthians 5:12-13 – 12 For what have I to do with judging those also who are outside? Do you not judge those who are inside? 13 But those who are outside God judges. Therefore “put away from yourselves the evil person.”

We Are Called To Discern Instead of Judging

Here is why Christians judging people goes wrong: Judgments are often misplaced, as in the expectation to meet Biblical moral obligations is often placed on people who never signed up to follow the Bible. This misplaced judgement causes frustration because the people being judged signed up to follow basic local and federal laws and not the much more stringent moral code of the Bible. People who are trying to follow the Bible should not be judging people who are not trying to follow the Bible based on Biblical moral code…not that it’s even their job to judge at all. So in addition to the fact that they should not be judging, they are attempting to hold people accountable to something they never signed up for. You can see why people get so frustrated and feel so judged. Then, to make things worse, many of the “religious” people passing the judgements are doing the very things they are judging against themselves! Hypocrites!

Avoiding this downfall is simple:

Don’t judge. It’s not your job, it’s God’s. Especially don’t judge people who are not believers thinking you are better than them, because you’re just NOT.
Don’t try and hold people accountable to biblical moral standards who never signed up for that

Now, if you are in church and you have actively opted into an accountability group, that is the one time where you can expect people like you and me to be held accountable to follow biblical moral code. Church leaders and those who work and volunteer for the church should indeed hold each other accountable to follow the Bible, but never coming from a place of someone thinking they are better than others.

Let’s focus on discerning… instead of attempting to judge others, discern with the intent to determine our own path and mind our own business. This applies to individuals and churches. This doesn’t mean you can’t stand for what is right…no, no… This OBLIGATES you to stand for what is right in determining YOUR direction according to the Bible.

1 Thessalonians 5:21-22 – 21 Test all things; hold fast what is good. 22 Abstain from every form of evil.

In other words, use the information you take in to determine your own path…abstaining from evil and holding fast to what is good. This is discerning…using the information to decide YOUR path. This could be you as an individual, or it could be you plural as a church. Notice it didn’t say…”and also judge those who are evil because you’re better than them”. Hate to break it to you, but nope, you’re not.

Romans 12:2 – And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

God will work with us to renew our mind when we choose to follow Him. He will help us discern what is good according to His will. We’re not discerning in the dark alone…we have help from the creator himself, our Father in heaven. Notice that it does not say “And also judge the people who are conformed to the world because they can’t see the will of God and we are holier than them”. Noooo, it just says determine YOUR path because judging is God’s job.

Hebrews 4:12 – 12 For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

We are called to use the word in the Bible to help us discern. How cool is it that studying the word and with God’s help we’ll be able to discern the intents of the hearts of those around us?! That will go a long way to keeping us safe from harm and being taken advantage of. In addition, it is also a warning that people will see right through you if the intent of your heart is to think you are better than someone else in judging them.

Consequences of Judging When We Should Be Discerning

As individuals we push everyone we judge away when we judge people. Nobody wants to feel judged. Even the most dedicated Christian doesn’t like to be judged. Judging when it isn’t our place usually comes from a place of pride and arrogance, a confidence that we are better than the person we are judging. This is an unhealthy motivation that will ultimately prevent us from getting close to God and the people around us. In addition to countless warnings about pride and arrogance in Proverbs, here’s a parable Jesus used in Luke…clear as day.

Luke 18:9-14 – Keep in mind tax collectors were seen as sinners by the judgmental Pharisees (religious leaders)

9 Also He spoke this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’ 13 And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’ 14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Now let’s talk about the churches as an entity being judgmental. Talk about pushing people away when they shouldn’t be…Christian churches are known as the most judgmental entities out there. How sad, they totally missed the heart of God in the Bible, and they are running away countless people who could be happily learning about the Bible and following God. Like in the parable above, the churches should strive to be more like the humble tax collector, realizing they’re not perfect and choosing not to judge.

The churches have gotten it so wrong, that the words Sin and Repent now have negative, judgmental connotations. Objectively, sin is just when we make one time or habitual bad decisions as believers. But you call someone a sinner and they instantly feel judged. Like in the parable above, calling someone a sinner implies that you’re not one…which is impossible… So cut that out!! Then there’s the issue of telling people who are not trying to follow the Bible to repent. Do you know how dumb you sound doing that?! You are fundamentally judging them as failing to meet a moral code they never signed up to follow. Objectively, the word repent just means turn away from the things you are doing that don’t agree with God’s word…turn away from the world’s way and turn towards God’s way. Telling someone to repent without helping them learn God’s way and confirming they have an interest in doing so is just ludicrous. And oh how judgy it sounds! All you’re going to accomplish is making sure they never want to try learning about the Bible and God because Christians can be so NASTY! We as believers have to stop this judgmental attitude!

What Individuals and Churches Should Do Instead of Judging

Now that we have covered what Christians and churches do that runs people off, let’s talk about how we can make a positive difference as believers.

Matthew 5:13-16 – Live by example. You will stand out being a follower of God. The church should live by example and stand out like a city on a hill.

13 “You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men.
14 “You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. 16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:17-19 – Stick to the Bible

17 “Do not think that I came to destroy the Law or the Prophets. I did not come to destroy but to fulfill. 18 For assuredly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, one jot or one tittle will by no means pass from the law till all is fulfilled. 19 Whoever therefore breaks one of the least of these commandments, and teaches men so, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever does and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

Both churches and individual believers are clearly instructed to live by example and stick to the Bible. We shouldn’t be doing anything with the motive of personal gain or feeling like we are better than others, but instead we should do everything for the glory of God. If we keep it simple and do this, then we’ll be doing things by God’s design and people will want to be a part of our “city on a hill” instead of wanting to run away. They will want to experience they joy we have. They’ll want to learn about gratitude and forgiveness. We’ll have the opportunity to show them how great our creator and Jesus really are because they’ll actually stick around for a while. When they see how amazing our God really is and get to know Jesus, they’ll want to learn and experience more. Then we can show them even more awesomeness in the Bible and teach them how to live by God’s design in freedom from consequences. Once they experience that, they might be so excited about their new freedom and joy that they’ll want to tell people about it. And it all started with the simple concept of living by example and sticking to the Bible. Nothing more and nothing less. It’s so simple…we can do that, right?!

What it looks like to Discern Instead of Judging

When we intend to use discernment to determine our own actions instead of judging people, we then have the ability to meet people where they are at like Jesus did. Jesus was able to be around sinners, meeting them where they were at without making them feel judged. Then he had the opportunity to work with them and help them learn the Bible because they were open to it. On the contrary, when we judge people, then we are not willing to be around them because we feel like we are better than them, never having the opportunity meet them where they are at, to work with them and help them learn the Bible.

How do we accomplish this idea of meeting people where they are at, which believers and churches seem to struggle with so much? Speak truth from the Bible without injecting opinions. This may take copious amounts of self control if you are new to the idea. It is worth the effort though because the opinions are often what make people feel so judged and runs them off.

Jesus hung out with sinners so he would have to opportunity to reach them:

Luke 15:2 – And the Pharisees and scribes complained, saying, “This Man receives (welcomes) sinners and eats with them.”

Luke 5:27-32 – 27 After these things He went out and saw a tax collector named Levi, sitting at the tax office. And He said to him, “Follow Me.” 28 So he left all, rose up, and followed Him.
29 Then Levi gave Him a great feast in his own house. And there were a great number of tax collectors and others who sat down with them. 30 And their scribes and the Pharisees complained against His disciples, saying, “Why do You eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?”
31 Jesus answered and said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. 32 I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.”

We should follow the example of Jesus when it comes to how he interacted with people. He came to help those who don’t know God, not those already full of faith.

6 Simple Steps For Handling Interactions Without Judging

What does discerning instead of judging look like in everyday life? We are called to go live by example out there in the world and to be a light to the world. You’re going to experience all kinds of people in the world with all kinds of moral backgrounds. Ideally you have opportunities to impact people at work, school, in your neighborhood, in sports, everywhere you interact with people. Here are some simple steps to accomplish the mission:

Have correct expectations – People who don’t know the Bible can’t be expected to have the moral code of the Bible. Discern and prepare accordingly, protecting yourself while still being available to help if possible.
Meet them where they are at – enter their world…ask them questions and genuinely get to know them
Don’t judge them – That’ll push them away. Also don’t be socially awkward and push the Bible or church on them before they are ready. You’ll know when the right time is…wait till after step 5 happens.
Live by example instead of trying to tell them what they should do – The most important part. By living by example and choosing not to judge, you keep from setting yourself up to be just another Christian hypocrite.
Let them ask you questions when they are ready. You’ll stand out if you do a good job living by example. They will see your joy no matter the circumstances and want some of that.
Discern their pace, don’t be pushy. They may never progress past being open to basic friendly conversations, but that is THEIR choice. Pushing them will only turn them away.

It’s important to note that you can’t help everybody. There will be some people where you discern it is best to simply stay away or minimize contact to protect you and your family. And that’s okay…that’s what wise discernment is all about.

Examples Of How To Avoid Judging In Everyday Life

How to handle political disagreements with family

Do you have a hard time getting together with extended family because of political disagreements? Are your Thanksgiving dinners being hijacked by politics? Do you have that one uncle that just can’t resist dropping a political grenade right after the turkey hits the table? Or do you have the crazy grandma that blows up any time anything political is even hinted at? The Bible has a solution for you.

One of the most common issues right now is political disagreements in families. Some families won’t even get together because someone voted for a candidate others didn’t like. You can apply the 6 rules above to extended and even immediate family members too.

Have correct expectations – Discern differences in moral code and develop realistic expectations accordingly. Differences in moral code will also impact how they communicate and whether they exercise self control. Without setting yourself up to get hurt, you can choose to accept them as they are and expect certain behaviors based on their moral code. If you know uncle Johnny is not going to have the self control to avoid bringing up his side of politics at dinner in a rude way, then you can expect it to happen and decide in advance to respond with grace instead of a blow-up. Responding with grace may afford you an opportunity to have a better conversation later. Blowing up will always prevent the opportunity.
Meet them where they are at – enter their world and discuss things that are not controversial to them. Establish common ground. Focus on enjoying being together as a family.
Don’t judge them – Avoid the temptation to tell them they’re an idiot for their political beliefs.
Live by example instead of trying to tell them what they should do – Trying to tell someone what they should do in the area of politics is a disaster. Instead live by example and keep doing what you’re doing
Let them ask you questions when they are ready. One day, they might start asking questions about why you believe what you believe. Then you have the opportunity to impact them in answering your questions. Be prepared and have your answers well thought out.
Discern their pace, don’t be pushy. They may never progress past being open to basic friendly conversations, but that is THEIR choice. Pushing them will only turn them away. If it gets to the point where it’s unhealthy for you and your immediate family to be around it, then discern and do what’s necessary.